LAVISH Hello! style weddings are now all the rage. No bride feels she has had her day unless she has been transported to the church in a fairy carriage pulled by four white horses and has a rock on her finger the size of a small plum. And if her dad has any change out of 15 grand then she's been cheated.

But it's such a waste. The majority of marriages go pear-shaped these days, usually within five years. My advice is to do it on the cheap and then, if you've still an item after a few years, then take a celebratory holiday. Listen to me, people - I speak from experience.

MOST days, I walk along the riverbank down Hylton Road, past the pump house, under the viaduct and finally to the pitface that will be my home for the next eight hours or so.

I always pause to let my eyes search the shallows for shoals of chub and the occasional giant carp. A few yards further on, and I pass the tragic remains of the swan family that never was - the grimy, long-addled eggs and the nest, now fast disappearing into the foliage, Japanese Balsam rapidly consuming what could have been.

Isn't it a shame that some people just couldn't leave these majestic birds alone - and how predictable, too.