AMERICA is becoming increasingly belligerent towards Iran so I guess the next bit of gunboat diplomacy is not far away.

It will be New Labour's fifth war. At this rate, we will be soon be overtaking the tally of the Victorian Age. Maybe poet laureate Andrew Motion will become the new Rudyard Kipling of our times, reflecting on how soldiers are traditionally shunned by society until that troop ship's on the tide.

Indeed, we could soon be witnessing a new passion for martial music. Who knows - perhaps a house version of The Girl I Left Behind Me or The British Grenadiers might suddenly become the fave raves in all the top spots.

What particularly strikes me about this return to Victorian values is the silence from the holidays-in-Tuscany brigade, the pious dupes who brought these disasters on themselves and their country. What on earth do they talk about over their red wine and quiche evenings these days? Trust schools, probably.

Personally, I look forward to Blair declaring war on North Korea. Ever since the end of the Opium Wars, things have been rather quiet in that region of the world and, let's face it, those yellow Johnnies are asking for it, what with building nuclear weapons without so much as a damned by-your-leave.

I might even enlist myself. After all, they say the ladies have always swooned at the sight of a man wearing the king's coat.

Captain Phillpott - yes, it's got a ring to it.