DAGGER-thin shafts of winter sunlight probed the scarlet curtains of the master bedroom of No 10 Downing Street, shimmering across the black satin sheets and casting into sharp relief the mysterious valleys of the First Lady's crimplene dressing gown.

Cherie Blair drew heavily on her Park Drive untipped, sending a jet of blue smoke directly into a sunbeam. Yes, she liked doing that. It reminded her of those fabulous lost weekends in Fleetwood with Tony before all the children

were born.

She gazed at the still-slumbering form of her husband. It was such a shame to wake him - he looked so vulnerable in those hedgehog pattern nylon pyjamas, a Christmas present from Mike and Shauna Foster of Worcester.

"Darling, you'd better get up. John's on the phone and wants to know if you've completed your new year's honours list."

Tony opened one eye. His wife recoiled and quickly turned away as a blast of stale Wincarnis breath hit her full in the face.

"John who?" said the President. "Oh, John Pillphott, you funny bunny," spat Cherie, out of the corner of her mouth. " Now call him back immediately and let me eat my pickled eggs in peace."

First to be pricked by the Blair golden bodkin was Mid-Worcestershire MP Peter Luff, always the heart and David Soul of any new year's party. He's been awarded the Jerry Springer Garter for services to showbiz, in particular his efforts to help ensure that a hitherto obscure piece of experimental theatre would go on to enjoy global fame.

Worcester's very own Queen Canute, Mary Dhonau, was still hard at work holding back the Severn's waves when she heard she'd been given the Charles Kennedy Memorial Prize for Delaying the Inevitable. The Lib Dem leader said he'd heard there was a lot of water in Worcester, and some of it might come in handy for his glasses of scotch. Meanwhile, the Bishop of Worcester, Dr Peter Selby, was woken early by a knock at the door. It was a poor man gathering winter fuel.

"What to you want, poor man gathering winter fuel?" boomed the Bish. "I've brought your honour, your honour," said the poor man. "It's for all your good work for those innocent prisoners who have done nothing wrong and are just helpless victims of their environment."

The Bishop has received the GBH - Great Bleeding Heart - medal of crossed bars resplendent with grilles and files reclining.

Over at the Guildhall, Mayor Aubrey Tarbuck got the Cliff Lord Medallion for his dogged persistence in pushing for the completion of the western orbital link. The award is a handsome piece featuring prone lances over a windmill against a Sancho Panza background.

Huntingdon Arts roly-poly impresario Chris Jaeger once more featured in the Blair Honours. The legendary showman received the TBM - the tasteless braces medal - for services to humour. Next year's Swan panto is rumoured to be Beauty and Beast, starring Chris and long-term partner Liz Grand in the lead roles.

Former Worcester mace-bearer Seamus Kelly is elevated to the Country Music Hall of Fame and becomes an honorary sheriff of Nashville, Tennessee. The jovial Irishman already has the Silver Shamrock set in Blarney Stone. Seamus will be obliged to wear a cream stetson, buffalo skin chaps, boots, spurs and sport holstered pearl-handled sixguns in his role.

"That's disappointing," said the latter-day Tex of Turrall Street. "I was looking forward to wearing something different."

The big shock of the day was the surprise summoning of Worcester University lecturer Annie Lambeth to 10 Downing Street for a special assignment. It appears that the Prime Minister and his Cabinet were so impressed by her recent pronouncements on belief in Father Christmas that bureaucrats have been instructed to immediately set up a special department to deal with the crisis. A spokesman said: "At the moment, having fun and generally enjoying yourself is not subject to taxation. This is obviously a glaring loophole that must be plugged. It can't go on like this - the last thing we want in this country is for people to take their minds off work."

Ms Lambeth will take over the new department, at Winterval House, Glum Street, Drabworth SE13.

Raconteur and wit Dave Bradley, who has been indisposed of late because of vein problems - that's 'vein', not 'vain' - was raised on hydraulic steel hoists from his hospital bed to receive the CDM from an adoring assistant who wishes to remain anonymous. "Oi loves me choccy me old babber," spluttered the ever-erudite knight of the airwaves, scattering cocoa fragments over a passing nurse.

Dilip Sarkar has a new award to add to his existing MBE, receiving the DFC with iron cross first class for services to aviation history. The medal will be presented to him at Dun Patrollin, his St Peter's home in Worcester on January 9 at approximately bandits 2 o'clock. This will be followed by a reception at the Old Heinkel and Messerschmitt Arms, Dines Green.

Even Worcester council chief David Wareing, the normally taciturn 'capo di tutti capos of the northside' smiled grimly when he learnt that he was to be knighted. Father Tom Wareing, the former Redditch councillor, broke off a holiday at Jerusalem's Wailing Wall to be with his son.

He told waiting reporters at Redditch International Airport: "It's a sin that he hasn't been chosen before - and you know how I feel about sin, don't you?"

And finally, jaws dropped across Worcester after the sudden defection of Labour leader Adrian Gregson to the Liberal Democrats. Throwing his Dave Spart Foundation Cross to the ground, he explained to a waiting Press scrum: "I ask you all to witness the handing back of my DSFC back to the Blair government in protest at the war in Iraq, pensions policy and the criminal rise in the price of nasal hair trimmers.

"John Lennon did it and so can I."

Cherie woke with a start. Tony was fast asleep - he must have dropped off again.

"Wake up, Tiger, it's time to leave the Love Hut. We're due at the Fosters' hosue in less than three hours."

The Prime Minister rose slowly, pausing only to nudge aside a pile of the previous night's empties. "Why are we going to Worcester, my little Cherry-B?"

He was still asking questions as the helicopter touched down in Nunnery Lane.