YOUR mother, no matter how much you love her, can always terrify you with the simple words: "I thought I might stay for a few days".

Almost instantly the house can look like a tip, with an elegant draping of cobwebs to complete the picture.

The furniture needs polishing and, horrors, your cat has just presented you with a dead mouse on your cream carpet . . . Don't panic.

Put a bottle of Pinot Grigio in the fridge.

Get Granny's room ready. A new magazine on the bedside table, some flowers in a vase (add a drop of bleach and some lemonade to the water - they'll last longer).

Now, plump up the pillows and fold back the bed clothes neatly - all designed to make her feel wanted.

Then gird your loins for the rest of the house.

Start at the top by getting rid of the cobwebs (you can't be accused of neglect now).

Next, put everything away. Toys in the box, clothes in the drawer or hung up, shoes paired off and dirty laundry into the machine.

Instantly the tip has been removed.

A bit of polishing follows. Spray polish is great if you have some, but it isn't essential.

If you haven't got any polish a barely damp duster will do to collect all the dust. Dry dusting seems a waste of time to me - you are just moving the dust around.

Now vacuum - use all those little bits of pipe with brushes on the end and go for it. Round the edges first, then the full suck it up job - you'll find that earring you lost in an instant - it will probably jam the works!

Next - do you get into the car and speed away to the nearest supermarket for foaming, "super duper" fantastic clean anything for the kitchen and bathroom?

Or, do you go to your cupboard (under the sink or in the cellar) and search through the chemicals already purchased, for that magic cleaning formula? Don't bother to shop...

Start with water. Put on the rubber gloves to ensure your hands don't look as if you have spent the day cleaning house!

To remove a bloodstain - add salt. To clean windows, add a slug of vinegar.

For cleaning the tea stain from the teapot a touch of bleach, or sterilising fluid (and I mean a touch - not half the bottle!).

Next - lemon juice. It gets rid of rust marks, lemon juice and salt will shine your copper, half a lemon left on a fridge shelf gets rid of nasty whiffs.

Finally, if someone has left their calling card in the bathroom - light a match and let it burn - the smell will go.

Elbow grease works well, but why waste all that energy?

Get the kids to skate up and down with their old socks on to polish the floor and, when they are done, get them to sit and draw a welcome card for Granny.

They will be tired little angels by the time they have finished.

The next problem is food - or lack of it. Do a list of the meals she will be staying for and only buy for them.

This is not the time to do a major restock of the larder. Do a list and stick to it. Make meals easy.

Croissants for breakfast, soup and sandwiches for lunch and dishes you know you can do without hassle for the evening.

I could go on, but the end result depends entirely on you and what you know you can get away with.

When Granny arrives, open that bottle of wine you put in the fridge and welcome her.

She might be surprised, she might look askance, but you both deserve a glass - after all she will play with the kids for hours - and you will be cooking.

And that's another subject!