How To Have A No.1 Hit Single (And What To Do If You Don't) by Jonathan Maitland (Simon & Schuster £10.99)

JONATHAN Maitland is a successful journalist who can be regularly observed on Britain's television screens.

One might think that most lesser mortals would be perfectly satisfied had fate dealt them such a career card.

Good pay, ego massaged into oblivion by kudos, status and mega-cred on the phoney London media and dahlings scene.

Not so Master Maitland. This is not enough. For he is desperate to be a pop star.

There is, of course, nothing unusual in grown men desirous of donning lurex and wanting to wave guitars about in front of the nearest reflective surface.

But this is midlife crisis with brass knobs on - our 40-plus wannabe has vowed to have a hit single too...

This hilarious romp through the superficial world of the music biz never once slackens pace as the ever-optimistic Maitland meets the mighty ones of factory pop and seeks to convert them to his cause.

From cover-to-cover, this is sharp writing at its very best. I literally stormed through these pages, curled up in that dog's basket some call my chair, quietly chuckling to myself.

If you only buy one book in 2003, make sure this is the one.

John Phillpott