FATHER Christmas has returned to Lapland for a well-earned rest, the Yule log is barely smouldering, and she-who-must-be-obeyed is happily testing the shaving kit I gave her for Crimble.

No, no you daft bint - make sure the lather is really foaming before you apply it to your chin. There's no need to do your nose, either. And don't leave whiskers in the sink, please!

Tut-tut. Women. What would you do with them?

Anyway, another New Year dawns and my main resolution is to have the East Tower of Dun Subbin repaired.

In fact, only yesterday, I was inspecting the wine cellars when I was reminded by Norbert, my pet toad, that not only was the mock-baroque balustrade in an appalling condition, but the reproduction digital rack also had woodworm.

There was something else, too. Norbert looked at me with those familiar, pitiful, bloodshot eyes of his and I knew that I must break off from my latest experiment and listen.

"Don't forget your famed New Year Predictions, Excellency..."

January

A leading toy manufacturer announces the release on to the market of a new board game called "Topography". Similar to "Monopoly", each contestant must attempt to cross Worcester in a lunch hour, negotiating High Street, Big Issue seller on the corner of Broad Street, the roadworks, second Big Issue seller and the market researchers hidden in Pump Street.

The winner is the first player to reach the hole in the road at Sidbury.

February

After years of rumblings, the Worcestershire Beacon erupts, spreading molten lava and red-hot ash over Malvern.

Party-goers at a house near St Anne's Well are buried in scenes reminiscent of the Pompeii disaster, petrified in the act of putting a Frank Zappa platter on a Dansette record player.

It is the greatest catastrophe to strike the spa town since the lentil harvest failed in 1969.

March

The fattest family in the world is located in Warndon, Worcester.

Horace and Formica Drains are immediately signed up for a Channel 4 reality show called Lards of the Ring.

The series follows a typical day in the lives of the couple and their children, Destiny (aged one), Paris (two), Ibstock (three) and Impetigo (three-and-nine-months).

Talks will also be held about a big screen spin-off starring Jude Law, provisionally titled Food Mountain.

April

George Cowley announces his intention to stand for Parliament at the next General Election as an independent.

High-profile figures from the worlds of showbiz and agriculture immediately indicate their support. Shirley Bassey, of Tiger Bay, Wales, promises to help raise funds by embarking on a whistlestop tour across Britain.

Worcestershire rockmeisters The George Cowley Experience will back the dusky Cambrian titwillow on her progress across the kingdom.

May

Election month and Worcester's men and women of conscience agree to stop writing horrible, hurtful letters about the Phillpott File headed "not for publication".

This is in response to agonised pleas from the top columnist's wife. Looking tired and sporting three days' stubble growth, she tells the waiting Press scrum outside Dun Subbin: "Lay off Phillpott. Not only is he kind to rabbits, but once had a pet rook called Rookie. See what I mean, like?"

June

Film crews arrive in Worcestershire to start work on the remake of a Hollywood classic.

Although secrecy surrounds the project, Huntingdon Arts supremos Chris Jaeger and Liz "Ain't Life" Grand confirm that they will be recreating the teaming of Humphrey Bogart and Walter Huston in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

However, this time around, as a concession to the production's new rural Worcestershire setting, the movie will be called The Treasure of the Sierra Madresfield.

July

Angered by what they regard as increasing American domination, residents disguised as Red Indians board US merchant ships docked at Diglis Basin and throw cargoes of hamburgers over the vessels' sides.

The British War of Independence is about to start, the secessionists demanding that there should be no vexation without representation. Troops are flown in from Iraq to put down the rebellion, now spreading like wildfire across the 51st state of Britannia.

August

Joe Walter is brought out of retirement to quell growing disorder by student rowdies in St John's.

At the same time, he stops a flooding disaster in Hylton Road by plugging a hole in one of the flood barriers with his socks, and still has time to give a talk to St Richard's Hospice.

"All in a day's work, evenin' all," says the latter-day Dixon of Dines Green. Joe is 98.

September

Bold, exciting plans are drawn up to convert Worcester Cathedral into a casino.

Church leaders believe that there is a growing need for diversification in the light of falling church attendances.

A spokesman tells the Evening News: "A casino would inject new product potential into the portfolio by consolidating niche market utilisation of the core target zone. We have to face facts - the Cathedral is only as good as its last gig."

October

A Bill to outlaw smacking children once again comes before The Commons.

A leading MP says that, actually, she doesn't smack her own children, but has no problem if others want to give their kids a damn good thrashing now and again.

However, when asked to explain the presence of a bamboo cane, workman's leather belt with buckle, assorted slippers and a "bacon slicer" ruler hanging up in her study, she snarls "no comment" and promptly head-butts the nearest reporter.

November

Students at Worcester Technical College organise a litter-pick on the riverbank between South Quay and the Bishop's Palace.

Organiser Liam Drippe, aged 17, tells amazed passers-by that the move has been necessary as the scholars could no longer leave the college because of the mountains of rubbish they had dropped over the last few years.

Liam is doing a degree in Insectology and Applied Moths at the Severnside academy of culture and learning.

December

A 75-yard-long stretch of Worcester High Street collapses into what appears to be a tunnel leading to the Cathedral.

The passage opens out into a concealed exit by the river, thought to be a secret escape route for monks during the Reformation.

As a result, High Street must now be closed for 10 years while refurbishment and tree planting takes place. "Think of it like this," says a key Tory councillor. "If you redecorate your lounge at home, there will be a bit of a mess. But look at the finished product!"