I CAN picture the scene as negotiation teams lock themselves into a guest house to decide the way forward for English rugby today.

"Whatever you do, don't mention promotion - I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it!"

As rugby's top brass come together once again for the latest episode of farce we all await the outcome with baited breath.

But just don't hold it because chances are the presence of High Court judge Oliver Popplewell to 'independently facilitate' between parties will have little effect. One side wants one thing, another wants something radically different. What everyone could do with is a decision maker or a governing body. Instead of a ruling body, they get a kind of Basil Fawlty figure running around making a lot of fuss but getting absolutely nothing done.

Worcester Rugby Club benefactor Cecil Duckworth travels to the meeting with all the other representatives from English Second Division Rugby (ESDR) while we are told that the English First Division Rugby clubs (EFDR) will make a token effort.

That it has come to this. What a sorry state the game finds itself in today. The world of rugby watches on as England's elite bang their heads together in a hotel in the hope of some solution. But what happens if the kippers do not arrive in time? And if the Waldorf Salad cannot be made?

All it needs today is for a few hiccups to go on in the hotel and the foundations of English rugby could be changed irrevocably.

Imagine, for instance, the problems that could be caused if a decision cannot be reached on the breakfast order.

Then, on top of that, a solution has to be found over lunch and dinner.

Surely a plan should have been drawn up before these vital decisions had to be made. A blueprint should have been available to all parties if they were to make any progress. Then again, the decision to agree a plan for the future would have surely needed rubber stamping from the hierarchy before anything could have gone ahead. Cornflakes or toast?, the consequences could be dramatic.

But what if one party wants a bigger slice of breakfast than the other? What happens when the guests start making waves in the hotel and decide to break away from the rest of the group? It then only needs an eccentric owner to start larking about to cause all sorts of bother.

The situation deserves to be treated as a comedy because the rest of the rugby world is just sitting back and laughing its socks off.

What other governing body gives all its powers to the clubs and then watches on as the league system tumbles into complete and utter chaos?

Worcester head National Division One this season completely in the dark over what exactly they are playing for - what a farcical situation.

If a decision cannot be reached today then when exactly will a solution be reached?

The parties cannot agree because there is a clear conflict of interests. So what concessions will be made in this war of words? ESDR will take one automatic place and a play-off spot but EFDR will only trade promotion places with hard cash. If EFDR are to back down over one issue then they will expect some financial compromise from ESDR.

However, with many clubs at breaking point in the Premiership, let alone the lower leagues, ESDR will not agree to less cash than they are getting now.

The fact is, nobody wanted this meeting in the first place so the parties are hardly going to be in jovial mood, ready to compromise. Make no mistake - this is war. Oh no! I've gone and said it!