WHEN I was a young copper at the local nick, I often got confused signals from my senior officers with hilarious results.

It was a sweltering hot day back in the days when we had to face the public in a close-necked tunic and I was perspiring buckets.

"Hello", said an officer when I met him near his home.

"It's a terribly hot day, I don't generally do this, but would you care for a cool drink?"

"Thank you sir," I answered and when he added "do you want a half or a pint?" I was in seventh heaven.

"Could I have a pint, sir?" Certainly, he said. "I won't be long". How I looked forward to that brown nectar!

Soon he reappeared clutching a pint glass. "It should be very cold - I ran the tap first!"

My face fell. Still, a drop of water has saved many a bloke in the desert.

Another evening I had been carrying out some plainclothes observations dressed as a tramp, which I found easy to do on the wages I was getting.

I went back to the Nick halfway through my shift and saw the Inspector and said: "I've finished my 'obbos' what do you want me to do now?"

"Clear off," he said, or something a bit stronger.

Nobody tells me to clear off twice I was gone - home to have a wash, some supper and a longer kip than I anticipated.

I had just got happily asleep when I was rudely woken up by a mate banging on the wall with his truncheon under my bedroom window. "Get up" he shouted, "The Inspector is livid, you should be on duty."

I trudged back to see he-who-should-be-obeyed at the Nick and when he saw me he saw the funny side of the situation and said: "Don't listen if I ever tell you to clear off again."

JOE WALTER,

St John's,

Worcester.