How to win new friends

IT takes less than a minute for people to make up their mind about you.

In fact, in any new situation, you've only got seconds to make a good impression.

Before you even open your mouth, people have started sizing you up, and in the first 30 seconds, have made their decisions based on the way you look and the tone of your voice.

And that fleeting moment can make the difference between success or failure in all aspects of life, from a job interview to a first date.

But a lot of people often have no idea what impact they make, according to psychologist Ann Demarais, the co-author of First Impressions.

"You often think you know, but it's usually wrong," she says. "Anyone who thinks they have nothing to learn is more likely to be oblivious than adept."

After setting up a coaching service for business managers in 1997, she and her partner Valerie White quickly realised many people needed help in social settings.

"We expanded our service, teaching people how to see themselves as others see them, tweaking their personality to reflect their true style."

Demarais explains that a simple personality trait can be interpreted in a very different way when you meet someone for the first time.

"If you are shy you might come across as aloof. If you are talkative, you might come across as self-absorbed."

Contrary to popular opinion, she says a first impression is generally based more on style than appearance, on how you show interest in another person, navigate topics, and what you reveal about yourself.

"Appearance matters in how others perceive you," says Demarais. "But how you react to others and present yourself matters more.

"It will enhance or detract from your physical presentation."

So how do you make the most of your 30 seconds?

Try being accessible, ask questions, generate new topics, disclose a little personal information, be just as enthusiastic for a subject, be neither superior, nor inferior and show interest. It's all here, and much more.

Julles Hunter

:: ANN DEMARAIS'S TIPS

Demarais sends new clients on a 'simulated date' or social meeting, and examine their social skills and how they present themselves.

After the date, clients have feedback sessions, discussing what they intended to project about themselves - and how they thought they came across to their date.

"We compare their beliefs to our perceptions," explains Demarais, "and provide specific, supportive and constructive feedback.

"Most clients report that they learn things about themselves that no-one has ever pointed out before."

There is no right first impression, she points out - a good impression is merely one which reflects the real you.

And she says you shouldn't try to change your image - instead, it's about identifying the gaps between how you think you come across and how others actually perceive you.

"You may learn that you come across in a way that isn't widely appealing, but you may be OK with it," she says.

"For example you may find that you come across as cynical or negative, but not want to change that, because you like a cynical edge."

:: WHEN IT REALLY COUNTS

Throughout life there are three situations where a first impression is vitally important. The job interview, the first date, and meeting prospective in-laws.

"Time and again these are the events when most people ask for our help," says Demarais.

JOB INTERVIEW

Try to connect with the interviewer. It's in your best interests to make him or her comfortable. They have your CV and they know your skills, so what they really want to do is find out if they feel comfortable with you.

If you get an opportunity, compliment them, show you are impressed with their career and they will feel more fondly about you.

FIRST DATE

Before you go, decide how you want your date to feel about himself. Do you want him to be understood, affirmed, complimented? Then try to project that during the date.

Many people make the mistake of trying to impress by bragging about themselves, rather than focusing on the other person. Don't be afraid to express your interest in them - it will make you more appealing.

MEETING PROSPECTIVE IN-LAWS

Use the four social gifts; affirming, connecting, appreciating and offering information. For example, tell them how great their home is and point out when you agree with their views.

This situation has the bonus that if you get off on the wrong foot, you've got time to change their mind. After all sticking to a bad impression is like holding onto a grudge.

:: HOW TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

1 - Accessibility: how you draw people towards you. Make yourself open to others with welcoming body language; look towards them and make eye contact. Don't wait to be introduced.

2 - Show Interest: ask questions, don't just jump back to yourself. Show you appreciate them and respect them.

3 - Discuss Objective Topics: bring up world affairs. If you generate new topics, you are more interesting and appealing than if you add nothing. Also the way you talk matters - it's better if you share information with people rather than presenting it like a lecture.

4 - Self Disclosure: disclose a little personal information about yourself. Choose something they wouldn't know if you didn't tell them, it makes them more comfortable around you and more likely to share with you.

5 - Conversational Dynamics: the structure of the conversation. You may not consciously notice this, it's linked to chemistry. Choose a banter style, speaking back and forth at the same rate, with the same energy levels.

6 - Perspective: how you see yourself in the world. Do you see yourself as superior to others, on par, or inferior? People notice this quickly, and it reveals how rigid or inflexible you are.

7 - Sex Appeal: how you present yourself. Be charming, show interest in them, and have confidence with your body.

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