Pet bereavement: Advice on how to cope and grief process

I frequently consult with patients suffering bereavement following the loss of a pet.

This is a sad and traumatic process and I’d like to reach out to patients in our community who are struggling with grief and sorrow following the loss of their beloved pet with advice on understanding your emotions which will help in coming to terms with your loss.

Following the loss of your pet the grief process tends to transition through five stages although this is not entirely linear and some patients may find all five stages are intermixed and may vacillate.

The first stage is denial where the bereaved feels numb and may even try to carry on as though nothing has happened.

If you experience this, it is usually because it’s just too hard to believe that your pet is not coming back.

You may still feel their presence and experience apparitions of them.

The bereaved is clinging on to a false preferable reality which is a transient psychological defence mechanism against coming to terms with the painful truth.

When the bereaved realises that denial cannot continue, they move onto the second stage of grief which is anger.

This is a reaction to death perceiving it as cruel and unfair.

You may feel angry at your pet who has died for leaving you or be angry at yourself for things you think you didn’t do right.

The third stage of grief following the loss of your pet is bargaining akin to magical or tangential thinking.

This involves the hope that you can avoid a cause of grief.

The bereaved starts to make deals with themselves or turns to faith and religion.

They promise themselves that from now on they will always do something, believing that it could make their pet who has died come back or it will stop anyone else dying or other bad things happening. They may procrastinate and ruminate over the past, asking lots of ‘what if’ questions, wishing that they could revisit and change things so that they could have turned out differently.

The fourth stage is depression where the bereaved becomes profoundly sad as they recognise the reality of mortality.

Whilst this may go on for months, this becomes less intense over time and patients finally move on to the final stage of bereavement which is acceptance where they learn to live with grief and embrace mortality.

This comes with a calm retrospective view of their pet and a stable condition of emotions.

There is no set time for coming to terms with the loss of your pet and it depends on individual circumstances often ranging from months to years.

There are a number of charities that offer specialist support to people struggling with grief following the loss of a pet.

This includes the charity Blue Cross which has trained volunteers who can help.

Pet memorial gifts can also help you remember and pay tribute to your best friend.

Lots of poems have also been written on the theme of pet bereavement which are emotive and touching.

Patients find solace, comfort and peace in reading these and relating to the feelings and experiences.

Perhaps the most famous of these is ‘Waiting at the Door’ by Aiden-Michael James Murray which is a poem told from the perspective of a loving dog addressing its still living owner.

The dog reassures the owner that they will be together again in the future.

Anyone struggling with bereavement following the loss of their pet should consult with their GP.

Our columnist Dr Jason Seewoodhary is a former Worcester GP.