MOTHER'S Day brings joy to many women but for those who have suffered post-natal illness the occasion may be too much to bear.

As the nation's mums open their cards and put their flowers in water tomorrow, Andrea Ruff thinks back to her first Mother's Day in a hospital psychiatric ward.

Andrea developed post-natal illness just days after the birth of her daughter on August 21, 2004, in Worcestershire Royal Hospital, but was not diagnosed straight away.

It was a deep shock to her to be told she had a psychiatric illness - she had never suffered from mental ill-health before and simply put her feelings down to having expectations of being the "perfect mum" to her child.

But the more 37-year-old Andrea wanted to bond with her baby the harder it became and she began to sink into despair.

She is now looking forward to her fourth Mother's Day for the first time and wants to give hope to other mums like herself who have suffered from the illness.

Andrea of Timberdine Avenue, off Bath Road, Worcester, said: "For many women and for various reasons Mother's Day can be a difficult and unhappy occasion. I am recovering from severe post-natal illness and for the first time I am looking forward to my fourth Mother's Day.

"Following the birth of our healthy and lovely daughter everything seemed perfect. I had taken to motherhood like a duck to water. However, within the week everything changed drastically. I went from being a happy person to being so very anxious and having severe panic attacks.

"But worst of all was the total despair and overwhelming fear I felt. Rapidly I plummeted into severe depths of depression when this should have been the happiest times.

"I felt like life wasn't worth living. I felt little emotion as I desperately tried to bond with our daughter. I felt very strongly I was a bad mum and even that I didn't deserve to be one."

Andrea still remembers the day the storm clouds gathered - she was leaving hospital with her baby and instead of looking forward to her new life the world seemed to be painted in "shades of charcoal grey and black".

To begin with Andrea did not realise she had a psychiatric illness. But she talked about her feelings to her GP and he put her in touch with the Worcestershire Mental Health Partnership NHS Trust who out-sourced her care to a specialist mother and baby ward in Derby.

Andrea spent Mother's Day and Christmas there and was given courses of ani-depressants and mood-stabilisers.

She has since had more than 50 sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help her cope and for the first time is beginning to enjoy being a mother.

Even now, although she wants to come off the drugs, she is afraid to in case her feelings return and is seen regularly by a consultant and a community psychiatric nurse who monitor her mental health.

Up until recently she had to avoid watching television in case she saw something which could trigger a bout of her illness.

Andrea has received strong support from her husband of 15 years, 38-year-old Kevin, who was forced to hide his own feelings to help care for his wife, taking compassionate leave and signing off work sick so he was able to help her.

He stayed at a bed and breakfast during her four- month stay in Derby so he could be at her side.

Kevin said: "There were times when it was extremely stressful. I had to be strong.

"At times I was on my own and it was very difficult.

"I kept my feelings buried from Andrea although I was able to talk about them with other relatives."

Andrea would often quite literally run away from her child and make for the door and during these times it was Kevin who helped to keep the family together.

He said: "At one point our daughter was sitting down on the mat and she ran for the door but I managed to stop her getting through. I said to her "Look, there's only one of me. I can't run after you because I either have to look after you or the baby if you run away."

Andrea still wrestles with feelings of shame because of the stigma attached to mental illness and guilt because of the pressure the illness has put on her family but therapy has helped her realise that she did not choose to feel the way she did.

One thing is clear, Kevin is convinced that his wife is a great mum to their daughter - now both of them hope she can finally begin to believe it herself.