LOVE me, love my motor. I never cease to be amazed by the number of people who regard their vehicles as sentient beings equipped with a sophisticated nervous system and feelings that can be hurt.

Since my recent comments about the wholesale capitulation of the population to the elements, a number of people have been returning fire.

That's good - even if some individuals are most certainly in need of anger management courses.

By far the most vociferous has been the Chelsea tractor brigade.

The slightest adverse comment and they rise like crazed chub to sawflies.

The bull bars are polished and prepared for action, the darkened windows become even darker, and their owners then get in some battle practice by nicking someone else's parking spot at Tesco Express.

Only the other day, I watched a woman attempting docking procedure with an enormous machine that was totally devoid of human life apart from her.

So don't come that old chestnut about needing a tank of that size because "I have to take the kids to school".

Anyway, she held up half the traffic in London Road because of the time it took to drop anchor.

Minutes of futile, shambolic shuntings eventually led to a satisfactory conclusion of sorts - such a pity about the person who was blocked in as a result.

Yes, my comments about the collapse of civilisation during the recent slight dusting of the white stuff did ruffle a few feathers, particularly among what was formerly known as the middle class Volvo set.

However, one mystery remains.

It's this. If four-wheel drives are that effective, how come so many of these monster machines couldn't handle a bit of snow and get their owners and passengers to school? Answers don't have to be on a postcard.

Cigarette snoopers make me fume

THOUSANDS of local government employees are being trained to catch people having a crafty drag after the Government's smoking ban comes into operation in July.

Undercover taxpayer-funded snoops will be infiltrating public premises to make sure no one's flouting the latest edict from the Number 10 fuhrer bunker.

They will be able to issue fixed penalty notices' - euphemisms for fines - at will.

A couple of points. While the streets of south London are being taken over by gun-toting gangsters, this useless Government decides to launch a campaign of persecution against the law-abiding citizens of this country. You couldn't make it up.

The other thing is this. Only a court of law can issue a fine - state-sponsored narks have no legal powers whatsoever.

And if you're in any doubt about this, check Magna Carta. There's a copy in Worcester Cathedral - King John, remember?

Pity we still have no written constitution

I REGULARLY visit the tomb of England's most infamous king in Worcester Cathedral.

You should do the same - if only to remind yourself of how the forces of authority need to be constantly monitored.

Granted, the barons who put the pressure on the erring monarch were probably only out for themselves.

It's doubtful whether the toiling villeins' plight was uppermost in their minds when they put the frighteners on Big Bad John.

Such a pity though that nearly 800 years after Runnymede, this country still has no written constitution.