THE saying goes, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”, but in my case it’s “you can’t teach a new dog old tricks”.

I have a 12-month-old cavalier crossed with a bichon frise called Maisie – seven years old in dog years – that I have had charge of for about six months.

She came to me with no training or discipline from a family who had had her from a puppy farm, not the best start, I know, so it was a very tough challenge from the word go but she is very clever.

She can sit, lie, give me her paw, spin, jump, stand on her hind legs, and even give me a high five, but when it comes to learning the oldest trick in the book I’m starting to think she’s just being stubborn on purpose.

She will not go outside to do her ‘business’.

She goes outside in the morning, the afternoon, the evening and before I go to bed, but she holds it in until she desperately needs to go on my bedroom carpet, my housemate’s/landlord’s bedroom or living-room carpet (both of which are cream-coloured), the mat in front of the conservatory door leading outside, or most recently, on the pillows on my bed.

If this was a seven-year-old child and they were walking, talking, playing, following instructions and so forth, but they still had no idea what the use of a toilet was, people would think there was something wrong with them.

Thank God I don’t have a child as my patience with potty training has been stretched to its limit.

I’ve completely run out of ideas past keeping her in her cage at all hours of the day when she’s not being watched because she won’t go to the toilet in there.

But with that idea comes its own problems – cruelty, boredom, barking constantly because she hates not being able to stick like glue to whoever is in the house or wrestle with my housemate’s dog that’s four times the size of her.

And even when my house-mates or I am watching the dog, she skulks off so quietly, like how a spider moves across the room, until BOOM! She It’s on your hand, and pees or poos on the floor somewhere and you’ve got no idea she’s even been out of the room.

I thought moving into a house that already has a dog that is house- trained would have got the right routine into her head after spending months trying to sort it myself with her one-to-one dog trainer on hand.

Fleur jumps up at the doors and presses down all the door handles until they open, if they are unlocked, and she goes outside to ‘toilets’.

But, no.

The only thing that stops me going insane and putting her up for adoption is her little floppy self when she’s asleep and the cuddles she likes.

I suppose that’s how new parents feel, too.