AS a stomach liner for a boys' night out it was the perfect choice. As the precursor to dinner a deux it was a disaster.

The grilled ciabatta could just as easily have been a piece of Warburton's extra thick sliced and was pure stodge. The tomato halves were half cooked. The promised bubbling mozzarella was already a deflated slab by the time it reached the table and it quickly solidified to the consistency of shoe leather.

Across the table, the smooth chicken liver pate was proving a marginally better option, its Desperate Dan-sized salad spiced up with a handful of sparkling red cranberries. But the builder's sandwich-sized triangles of toast made even the Sahara seem dry.

Not a good start. Maybe we should have realised sooner. The speciality is after all, "our famous steak" - served with a whole tomato and a personal tiny jug of black pepper and cajun sauce!

We are at the Swan in Hanley Swan; the village pub that's had a makeover and spanking new signage, the sort that's intended to switch on the 100 mega-watt bulb inside the heads of passers-by and floodlight the message: "This is a gastropub. Come in and eat."

Inside it's all blonde beams, a cheery fire in the bar, cosy décor, plenty of elbow room for diners but unnecessarily loud music that kills the atmosphere on this slack evening.

It's an old pub, done up to look like a trendy brasserie, that looks like it's part of some anonymous chain. We might as well be at a Harvester.

The staff are all young, rigged out in the obligatory black, apart from the manager, who isn't.

Our waitress for the night is any one of them who is passing the table at the time.

No one tells us there is a specials board so we pick and choose from the printed winter menu.

A poachers (sic) pot arrives. It's a mouth-blistering cauldron which could have been made that day, or any other. There is rabbit, pheasant, a couple of chewy bits of overcooked pigeon, some dessicated and unidentifiable vegetable and maybe a chunk or two of venison, but I'm not too sure.

It's all sitting in a glistening dark brown sauce and has a slightly soapy taste.

Over the way, the roast rump of lamb could be anything. It's a tasteless collection of meat and the minted gravy seems to be missing the vital ingredient. Between us, we are sharing a huge bowl of vegetables. Very good vegetables, as it turns out and perhaps the saving grace of this meal, but there are far too many of them. A hearty portion, I expect the management at the Swan might describe it. Wasteful, is more to the point and unnecessary and also... well, vulgar.

Surely the puddings will win us over? There's a choice of five. The raspberry and white chocolate roulade festooned with strawberries and a lone physalis clears the plate in minutes but it smacks of being bought in. Can you get a rectangular slice of Christmas pudding? You can here.

It's not unpleasant, but it has been microwaved - unevenly - before service.

There's no doubting that the Swan tries hard. The evening began with a nice touch; half a loaf baked in Ledbury (isn't there a village bakery opposite?) placed on the table with a cutting board, a knife, lots of butter and a dish of olives, but the overall emphasis seems to be on quantity, rather than quality.

We pay £38.80 for the food and a further £7.65 for drinks - there's a short and inexpensive wine list and £30 bottles of champagne if you feel the need to splash out (or drown your sorrows for ending up in Hanley Swan on a miserable autumn night).

It was a memorable evening but for all the wrong reasons. Even the manager missed us out when doing the rounds, asking diners if everything was OK.

Well, now she knows.

THE SWAN, WORCESTER ROAD, HANLEY SWAN Tel: 01684 311870

SERVICE: ** FOOD: * VALUE: ** AMBIENCE: *