T HE barbecue has been packed away, teachers are back at school after their gruelling sixweek holiday, football is in full swing and people are singing, dancing and baking on TV.

It can only mean one thing; autumn is here. September signals the end of summer, shorter days, leaves falling off the trees and colder temperatures.

In other words, it’s a rubbish time of year. But what are the key events we can look forward to during the next four months?

Here’s my (hopefully) helpful guide: Conkers: Over the next few weeks, you will read or hear about some killjoy schools somewhere banning kids playing with conkers. This is why instead they are stuck on their Mega Drives all day, because the Fun Police get their way and stop more active pursuits.

Armageddon with tinsel: You won’t fail to notice if you’ve been to any shop over the last few weeks that the countdown to Christmas is well under way. Shops are sneaky at first, they sprinkle in the Christmas cards and wrapping paper.

However, this month this really gets cranked up. Every supermarket big shop you do from now on will see the retail giants attempt to brainwash you into spending your money on festive gifts. Don’t fall for it, be strong. Leave it until November at least, or you will become a...

Smug shopper: Over the next few weeks you will speak to someone, or see a Facebook post, where someone will boast that they are one present away from completing their Christmas shopping already. These type of smug and boring people shouldn’t be your friend. You have my permission to get in their face and shout “Get a life!”

Christmas only gets going when you see the Coca-Cola advert with the lorry on TV.

The sudden popularity of Halloween: Over the last few years, in particular, this festival on October 31 has become something to celebrate. Competitive parents cart their kids off to school dressed in the best costume they can.

Students have house parties filled with zombies, ghosts and ghouls. It’s a day when weirdos feel more like the norm.

But it’s an American event, so why do we make so much of an event? It’s like people across the pond celebrating ‘National Coronation Street Day’.

What’s the point?

People moaning about the cold: It’s the autumn, what do they expect? It’s what traditionally happens this time of year.

Although any vaguely warm day in September or October is seen as this year’s Indian summer.

So, let’s just get autumn and winter out of the way and count down the days until next spring.