BEFORE I fire away with the massive rant that has been brewing inside of me over the last two weeks, I should state that about half of the readers of this column will possibly develop an overwhelming level of dislike for me and anything else that I write for the Worcester News in the future.

However, here we go... the big confession, my conversation-halter and stop-and-stare statement.

I don’t like animals. Not cats nor dogs, nor fish, hamsters/rabbits/horses. I don’t like any of them. I’m terribly sorry if you’re sitting in a home full of pets as you read this column, I have nothing against you personally – I just don’t really understand the draw of owning a pet.

This realisation truly hit me as I was sat in the cinema a few years ago, watching the film Marley and Me with a group of friends. Of course, as expected, the dog dies at the end of a long story about the trials and tribulations over the course of the animal’s life.

I was all fine and ready to leave the cinema when I glanced across at my best friend, still sat in her seat, beside herself with heartbreak. Eye make-up everywhere.

I assumed she’d either really hurt herself without anyone seeing or that she’d received awful news of a dying relative, such was the upset on her face.

To my surprise, when I asked her what on earth was wrong, the only words that could come out between sobs, were “dog” and “dies”. She later informed me and I quote, “In a film, I think it’s more sad when a dog dies, than when a person dies”.

Here lies my problem. I don’t care about your dog, cat or monkey. They mean something to you, I can appreciate, but to me, they’re irrelevant.

Please don’t talk to me about funny things that your pet can do, or has done because I just find it tedious and dull.

I don’t mean to offend you if I come into your house and don’t really want to stroke your dog, I’m just scared that it will jump up on me or bite.

Don’t put photos of your pet on Facebook , unless they’re doing something extraordinary (this has to be verified by myself, it will most likely be dull and mundane).

This leads me to me to a theory, which I know isolates me.If you don’t have any pets, then you become immune to a condition that affects all pet-lovers.

You see you all believe your pets are fascinating, talented and unique, and it’s really boring for the rest of us who don’t have the same condition.

So next time you’re showing me a video of your cat chasing a laser; please, remember that I really, really don’t care.